We’ve all been in situations where we find ourselves behaving in ways we know is either contrary to the good of the moment, or not in line with what would be most healing. In these moments our egos are in the driver’s seat. We are driven by our ego’s need for validation and instant gratification. To act outside of our egos is one way in which we can hold our own space. This is often an unfamiliar and difficult task. I have been blessed to have had a recent intense lesson in holding my space.

I’ve had quite an amazing connection with a beautiful and magical man for many years, albeit sporadic. I haven’t seen him in years and he was coming through town with his partner. My task was to be sensitive to his relationship, and not call upon any of our past connection. I knew I’d see this man, but was not sure what form it would take. I was in fear most of the month, preparing for the encounter, or non-encounter that would ensue.

The weekend came. I and some friends attended two concerts this man and his partner put on. There was no drama, and for most of the two nights I was simply happy to be listening to his beautiful music.
There was also a very contrived and rigid lack of recognition. He would not look at me, nor talk to me. This is as I expected.

It wasn’t until the last moment of the final concert night that I got my biggest test. I had held my space well up until that point, not allowing my ego to search for and validate our past connection. The last song brought in some of his amazing magic, and my heart opened in such a beautiful and painful way. Here was magic, magic I had been the recipient of at one point – a magic I was no longer able to touch. I watched my ego go through a small death as I realized this once amazing connection was not for me, not for now. I so desperately wanted simply some eye contact to validate my ego’s belief that I had been special. But there was none of that.

So I watched as this sadness engulfed me, then moved out. Holding my space in that moment, not allowing my ego to receive its validation, offered me a release. In that release I gained more room for myself, and my open heart began to fill with compassion instead of sadness.
I was able to hold some non-judgmental room for the process this man needed to go through for the sake of his current relationship.

My friends were some of my greatest teachers that weekend; grounding me when necessary, role-modeling loving compassion, and offering me unconditional support. I’m grateful to them, and thankful for my lessons.

I used my energetic tools constantly during that experience to help the fear remain fluid and not stick. My tools enabled me to watch and experience my little ego death. And it’s quite ironic that with each of those moments comes more of our own divinity.